Vrinkesh – The Divine Home

As a social animal we are naturally wired to get attached to our loved ones. That attachment as highlighted in Shrimad Bhagwat Geeta creates desire to possess, which further breeds anger as the person you want to posses will crave for his/her freedom. The instinct to “have” someone with you or own the power to rule the person’s life in some or other form is created when we start believing this person is “mine” and I deserve so and so reciprocation right from this.

Your expectations from the person can be solely based on emotional attachment but through some or other means you would want the person to act or behave in a certain way.

What gives you right to expect something from the person? Your own mental belief system has created those expectations in your head, which are bound to fall on ground. Because nobody in this world is under your ownership, not even the dog that you believe you own is yours, not even the child you do parenting for is under your ownership. If you over power the will of a creature, you are certainly doing some kind of emotional dominance which definitely does not reciprocate any kind of love. Yet, in your mind if this is what makes you “happy” you are emotionally dependent on another creature or human being to act in a certain way to make you “happy”. 

The moment they drift away from your set expected behavior you are bound to get disappointed. And this disappointment is going to create anger which will be thrown at the person. Now the weight of your expectation and anger are heavy enough to make that person keep you away.

The more you chase, the more the person would want to drift away from you and the heavier would be the wound on your subconscious mind. Your excess availability would be enough for the person to feel suffocated and they would push you further away.

Where did it all start from? Your attachment or possessiveness to own the person and make them reciprocate your attachment. And that’s why sages have explained it well, “love” liberates. While “attachment” binds. Because attachment generates possessiveness. Attachment to things, people, power, possessions leads to our actions of controlling and chasing. Attachment to self image leads to creation of ego. Wounds received due to bruised ego and banished attachment lead to anger.

How can we stop this vicious cycle? Observe and let go off your attachment. Monitor when a certain thought is your “expectation” from an external person. Wipe that off from your mind.

If you truly care about the person, nourish them with space and give them want they want. Be there for them when they want you to be with them. But do not keep nagging and knocking for asking when they need you. When the affection is free from possessiveness, it generally reciprocates the affection, even if it does not, then also you must set the person free and never knock the door unless the person wants to stay in touch. If they choose to stay in touch it can be limited to a “hi” in a year or two. Accept that and keep it light. If the person never wants to come and say that “hi”, accept that as well. But your behaviour and dialogues should not keep on reminding the person that they owe some kind of reciprocation to you. It sets the relations on fire. No matter whether these expectations are attached to a spouse, friend, sibling, parent, child, child’s spouse or a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you keep nagging the person for attention, the person will find reasons to stays away from you and avoid your calls and texts or meeting you in person.

When your heart and mind liberates those set expectations of reciprocation, that’s when you become emotionally independent. When you shower the affection and kindness on people you come across but do not have expectations of reciprocation or a  return companionship. When you do not expect them to call you back, text you back, plan the next date, meet you often or visit your place or pay your bills. That is when you become liberated from expectations.

It is slightly painful process to condition your mind to let go off your natural instinct to get attached but surely it brings an extremely peaceful state that your heart achieves with emotional independence. That’s the state when your self in solitude is self sufficient and you stop craving for people, recognition and even materialistic shiney things. Times when you are alone would not bother you, rather you will find the moments when you are alone quite peaceful.

This is the state of mind which will shift your focus from people to peaceful meditations or may be on some projects to accomplish. While working on a certain project you again need to take care that you are not getting attached to a certain kind of result. Your focus should be on the process of working and not on achieving a certain result. Give your best, seek feedback and whether you win or lose, get back to work again with your next goal.

It took me more than a decade to understand that one shlok of Shrimad Bhagwat Geeta – Karmanya Vadhika Raste ; Ma faleshu kadachan. Meaning, focus on your karm and do not bother about the result.

When I had read it first time, it was very hard for me to understand why would not someone think about the result.

I only understood it, when I kept on thinking about the result and missed to bring quality in the process. The set result in my head had become so dominant that the process went out of focus and thus it was bound to fail. And thus, attachment to any specific person, creature or outcome brings a higher possibility of misery. But how that attachment can be conquered. It is more important to understand in the first place, why that attachment has to be conquered. It shall only become a requirement when we start observing how that attachment to outcome, circumstances and people is making us hard to adapt. It seizes the flexibility to change which is an inevitable cycle.

One fine day when you would observe, how much your mental state impacts your reality, you would be able to see how much your emotional acceptance to change matters.

It would be an extensive discussion to understand the process of letting an attachment go and accept the changes that life brings, and thus we will get back on the subject with another reading. But as of now, let’s just focus on to observe in our real life how the attachment to things, places, people, circumstances and outcomes makes our mind stubborn and does not accept the changes and thus, invites the misery.

Go back to the moments whenever a thought hitted you with low emotions and try to observe what was your expectation in that moment? That expectation is nothing but an attachment to a certain desired outcome in your mind.

Today, let’s make this observation a habit to find our flawed attachments which are only drowning us emotionally.